Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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