she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I need to sanitize my soul.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Randomize
