I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize