I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Randomize
