Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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