the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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