if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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