i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
