If i come over, it means nothing
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
