You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
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