That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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