I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
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