Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Randomize
