I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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