Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
