I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
