literally had 100 drinks last night.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
