So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Can you bring me the toilet please
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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