Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
