dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
