Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
