Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
