I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
