Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
