I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
