I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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