I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize