well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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