I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
she woke up with a sticky ear
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
