I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
