i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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