my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
