Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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