I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
