Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
