my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
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