Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
