I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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