I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
my nose is crying tears of wow.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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