I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I just gargled with NyQuil
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Text me some of your sweat
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