Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
