Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
