That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
