Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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