Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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