I wish I could teleport
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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