My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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