Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Apparently you make a good broom.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
