FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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