He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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