i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Randomize
