why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
