It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
