I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
