No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
