i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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