Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize
