Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
