i may or may not be watching the land before time
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
